Fuckability (Or: Three Steps To Feeling Desirable)

Over on Captain Awkward’s blog there was recently a question: #968 “How can I stop fat-shaming myself and enjoy my life?” This question specifically addressed the topic of fuckability.

This is because, I think, it’s super common for that to be a great big hurdle even for people who’ve been involved in fat acceptance for a long time. Even when we accept that doctor’s should treat us like people and we should have access to clothing that isn’t poorly made and ill-fitting, we can struggle with the idea that others will find us sexually desirable.

The Captain gave some great advice, and mentioned me in a lovely way. I left a comment (that hasn’t shown up as of me writing this post) and that comment got a little long, so I thought I’d post the general idea of it here as well.

The Gist of Things

The FA Disclaimer

Fat acceptance is one of those things you have to actively work at and sometimes it’s so frustrating and exhausting. Fat acceptance, particularly around allowing yourself to own sexual desire/attraction is kind of a constant battle because we’re always taking in messages that deny us any sort of desirability.

So when you have your moments – and you will definitely have those moments – please don’t take them as a sign that you are doing something wrong.

Take them as a sign that you are engaged in the struggle. Because that’s all they are.

You Are Worthy

Yes, you are worthy of sex and sexual pleasure and sexual desire and being desired.

You are worthy of all of those things if you want them because you are a person. Your fatness does not negate any of that.

Three Steps

1. Masturbate.

I mean it. Figure out all the things that make your body feel FUCKING INCREDIBLE and then practice. Learn the ways in which your body is a physical thing that can and will bring you pleasure. Spoil yourself. Take your time with yourself. Appreciate your own fuckability. Treat your body like it is an object of your own desire – because this isn’t that old chestnut about no one loving you until you love yourself; it’s an entirely new chestnut about how when you know how much fun you are in bed, you often feel a lot more confident around sexual situations in general. Bang yourself like a screen door! If absolutely literally nothing else, you will enjoy the orgasms.

2. Examine Your Own Desires

What do YOU find fuckable? When you think about the people to whom you are sexually attracted, does that include fat people? If your “I’d Totally Hit That” list doesn’t include other fat folks, consider how that might be influencing how you view your own body as a sexual object – or, rather, how you aren’t! Obviously it’s not great to objectify people – but I think there’s a difference between objectifying people and denying them agency as real people and enjoying the way other people look in a way that makes me wish I were doing bedroom things with them. This also goes back to “normalization” and retraining your eye – there’s so many different ways of being sexy, of performing sexiness. If you can consciously explore what’s going on with some of your unconscious processes here, it will help, I promise.

3. Divorce The Concept Of Pretty

Back in the day (I love being old and saying that), one of my very favorite blog posts was from Dress a Day and it is still available to read.

The premise is that you don’t have to be pretty. And you don’t. You don’t owe prettiness to anyone. (Much less mainstream fuckability.) Pretty is a tiny little box that society is trying to cram us into; it’s the box inside the “you must not weigh more than x pounds” box. To be real blunt: fuck pretty. That doesn’t mean you can’t look nice, as the Captain has mentioned. But pretty is such a bland and innocuous thing to be – it is unthreatening and safe. And you, dear fattie, you are meant for better things than bland!

Fuckability, The Conclusion

It’s so easy to look at people who are mainstream attractive/sexy and find ourselves lacking. When you feel the impulse towards that, find something about yourself that you love, whether it’s the feel of your belly, the weight of your ass, the sensitivity of your side fat. (My side fat is particularly ticklish but your mileage may vary there!) That something belongs to your body and no one else’s.

Dating while fat is hard – I’ll also mention that getting laid while fat is actually a whole lot easier. Casual sex is very distinct from dating and it’s something that I enjoyed a whole lot because I learned a lot about my body and about what a damn lie it is when people say no one wants to fuck a fat person. *laugh* Try to remember that other people’s damage around dating fat people is THEIR damage – it reflects nothing about you. It hurts, because rejection hurts, but it doesn’t ultimately provide any commentary about your worth at all.

You’re fuckable. I promise.